


A Thousand Suns

by arby



Series: My Big Gay Space Opera [2]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-10-16
Updated: 2005-10-15
Packaged: 2017-10-05 06:30:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/38739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arby/pseuds/arby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the events of Trinity, John and Rodney are "taking a break". Sequel to "At Ease", will not make much sense without reading that one first.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It was their first fight. Of course McKay couldn't just do something normal like leave the cap off the toothpaste - no, he had to do something so colossally bad that it nearly killed them both and blew up most of a solar system.

Sheppard remembered the conversation in the hall, how Rodney had tried to act cute, hoping all would be forgiven, and the sad incomprehension in his eyes when John said he couldn't come in. _He really didn't get it. I don't think he even understands why I'm mad. He just knows he fucked up because I'm mad at him._ But how else could he teach Rodney that his actions had consequences without being cold to him for a while? It was hurting John as much as it was Rodney - he missed the warm, snuggly presence by his side every morning, often as not drooling on his shoulder; the sweet, hot sex that occupied them almost every night, but most of all he just missed being around him, making him laugh and seeing the spark of genius in his eyes when he thought of some brilliant new theory... Just like Project Nautilus or whatever that thing was called again. Suddenly Sheppard had to turn away from the monitor he was staring at blankly, to knuckle the tears from his eyes. _Stupid McKay! Why does he do these things, and how'd he make me care so much?_

* * * * *

  
Rodney was depressed. John had been avoiding him ever since their last conversation by the elevator. Even after that, he'd had some hope that maybe it wasn't as bad as it had seemed, eventually he'd get over it - wouldn't he?

But apparently he really had screwed up - and not just by blowing up that solar system. He really didn't understand why - it wasn't like he was the only one around here who made mistakes - hell, Carson killed half the Hoff with that serum stunt, and no one gave _him_ the cold shoulder afterwards! _ (Not that they didn't deserve it, those assholes. Oh, wait, that was just their leaders - the people didn't deserve it.) Why was what I did so much worse than anyone else's done?_

He sighed. Zelenka wasn't talking to him either, but that at least he understood. He didn't blame the guy if he didn't want to be in the same room with Rodney for a long, long time after he had been so cruelly rejected. _It's not my fault I'm in love with John and not Radek!_ He didn't even stop to be shocked at the thought - even though he'd never articulated it before, it seemed like old news. But that just brought him back to the depressing upshot of the situation.

_I should have known it would end like this._ Just like everyone else he'd ever even started to get close to. He'd never had a boyfriend, but once or twice in college had kissed friends who apparently weren't as straight as they'd thought - but after a few days or weeks at most they turned cold and stopped talking to him. He never knew what it was, especially since it was a part of his inner (read: closeted) life that he preferred not to analyze too closely, but John was different. _He said he cared about me, he said he wanted to be with me._ And it had been so good, until..._I screwed it up._ It never occurred to him that there might be a common denominator to this behavior of theirs before now - other than the fact that the objects of his affections were supposedly heterosexual. John couldn't be filed under the category - if anything he was more experienced in that area than Rodney (for some reason he assumed John was bisexual, not just acting under the extremely permissive "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" reign of Queen Elizabeth Weir).

"Is this seat taken?"

_Who... Oh._ It was Zelenka. Rodney wondered what on earth had possessed him to want to sit next to Rodney after the way he'd treated the man. _Poor Radek._

"Of course. I mean no, the seat's not taken, why on earth would you think..." he trailed off. Zelenka was probably trying to save himself some embarrassment in case Rodney and John were back together and Rodney had been saving the seat for him.

"You seem depressed." His tone was neutral, and he carefully avoided Rodney's gaze.

"Yeah," Rodney admitted. "How'd you know?"

"You're eating Jell-O."

He looked down at his plate and actually smiled, for what felt like the first time in days. He hadn't even noticed the dreaded substance. (Everyone at Atlantis knew his feelings on the subject of Jell-O, "Neither a liquid nor a solid, fish nor fowl - I don't eat foods that can't make up their minds.")

"That's better. I assume it's John?"

"What? What do you mean?"

"The reason for the dark mood."

_Awkward._ But hell, he was the one who brought it up...

"Um, yeah. He won't talk to me. Not since what happened with Arcturus."

"I know." Rodney must have given him a look, because he continued gently, "It's no secret, Rodney - the whole base knows."

_Ouch._ But he guessed he deserved that.

"Um. Why are you being so nice to me? After the way I treated you, I'm surprised you ever want to see me again."

"I can't avoid you forever, can I? We do have to work together, after all." He met Rodney's gaze evenly, then continued, "I feel sorry for you. You obviously have no clue what you did to make him so angry."

Normally Rodney would have strenuously protested the idea that there was anything he was clueless about, but he didn't have a leg to stand on here and he knew it.

Radek said, as if to a young child, "You are very, very smart and understand many things that most of us don't. But in this area of relationships you are as backwards as you claim all of us to be in physics."

"I know. I'm... starting to realize that now. And I'm sorry - again - that I ever called you an idiot - you're almost as smart as me."

Zelenka smiled. "That's the greatest compliment I've ever heard you give. I know you don't really think I'm that stupid, otherwise you wouldn't tolerate me even as much as you do."

Rodney felt guilty - the fact that being tolerated was considered a sign of favoritism in his lab was kind of sad. "Anyway. Please tell me what I did, I, I really need to know." The last came out in a lowered voice and a rush of embarrassment.

"I could. But I'm not going to."

Rodney stared at him in shock. Was this his revenge for everything?

Radek chuckled at the look on his face. "No, not in retaliation - although God knows you deserve it - but because that would defeat the purpose of what John's trying to do." At this Rodney was even more confused. How the hell did Zelenka know what Sheppard had in mind? Were they having secret conversations or something?

"And no, he didn't tell me anything. I know because I've been in a relationship before. Most people aren't born knowing these things either, and being close to others is how you learn." His look said, _That's why you're so far behind_. "He's trying to teach you a lesson so you'll stop doing it. And you will never truly understand it if you don't figure it out for yourself. It's hard and you may think you'll never get it, but I promise you - you will. You need to think about the way you act towards other people. Not just John - though obviously that's part of it. Everyone on the base."

As if on command, Rodney felt a sudden stab of empathy for idiots. If this is what it felt like to simply not be able to grasp something that was obviously so basic - it didn't take a Ph.D to have a boyfriend, after all - what did it feel like to struggle with the advanced theoretical math and physics that he lived and breathed? And Radek was being nice to him about it - really nice. Rodney, on the other hand, constantly berated everyone who was the slightest bit slow. He normally assumed they deserved it, because they weren't born with a brain as good as his and yet they were still taking up valuable space that could be used for.. anything else. But Rodney wasn't being obtuse on purpose just to irritate Zelenka - he truly didn't understand. He couldn't imagine what it felt like to work with himself, but for the first time in his life he had an inkling.

He looked over at Zelenka, who was watching him with a combination of pity and inexplicable fondness.

"But... how do I know that he even wants me back after what I did - whatever it is?"

"You don't. But I think so. He's not the type to give up so easily."

That was true. He felt an enormous sense of relief. So all he had to do was wait!

"But don't think you can just wait it out." _Damn._ "He may get tired of waiting for you, but he won't give in. And he's right not to - that would just make you worse."

_Great._ "Then it's hopeless. I don't think I can do it. I really don't."

"Rodney, believe me - you can. I've seen others as bad as you who learned it. Come on, you've done much harder things than this. I've seen you solve harder problems before breakfast."

"But with those I at least knew the .. language or whatever you want to call it - I was familiar with the subject. Here I-I-I feel like I'm staring at a book in some language even more obscure than Ancient, like some kind of pre-Ancient - I don't even know where to start!" He could hear himself whining - and it wasn't very attractive.

"You have no experience, that's all. For the first time in your life, you actually care what someone thinks about you. That's got to be a shock to your system." Zelenka couldn't help but smile at that. "At least you're not saying you'll give up on John and go on to someone else. You're lucky to have him, you know." Rodney closed his eyes with the embarrassment of it, having this conversation with the very man he had so brutally slighted in favor of Sheppard, whom he obviously didn't deserve. "It wouldn't work anyway, because it's not the other person, it's you."

"I get it, okay! You don't have to drill it into my head! I know I'm lowly and unworthy! I should just give up on ever having a boyfriend at all!" This last was said loudly enough to turn heads. Rodney flushed and tried not to cringe.

"I'm sorry. Look, if you give up now it will just come back to haunt you. You must deal with this."

"I'm not used to dealing with unpleasantness - or failing at things I actually care about! This sucks."

Radek tried to suppress a smile but failed. "Give it time. This is one of those things that you can't get all at once. You need to work at it differently, like.. you know when you're trying to solve a problem in the lab, and it just won't come? The harder you try, the more it slips away?"

Rodney sat up, suddenly feeling a burst of energy at even a semblance of familiar ground. "Yes! I know exactly what you mean. But what's the correlation?"

"Well, those slippery problems - they eventually get solved, right? How?"

"I try and try and try until I'm exhausted and practically in tears. Then I go home and go to sleep. Sometimes in my sleep - or in the shower! - the answer just comes to me!"

"Right! When you've stopped trying, right? When you're NOT thinking about it."

"Oh, so it's easy, I just don't think about my little problem here at all and it will magically be solved for me."

"No. Go back to the example. If you didn't try to solve the problem in the first place, the answer wouldn't come to you in the shower" here Radek blushed almost imperceptibly "or wherever - out of nowhere. Of course sometimes we all get some stroke of genius idea out of thin air but this is not the same. You have to consciously start the work of trying to solve it. But then you let the rest of your mind finish that work for you. So it's almost as if you're working on it the whole time, you just don't realize it. Does that make any sense?"

"Actually - yes. It makes a great deal of sense. I don't have to despair, because even when I think I'll never find the answer, there's some other part of me that does know better." Of course, that was getting suspiciously close to Jungian psychotherapy-talk and "subconscious brain" mumbo-jumbo, but he was desperate. He'd let it slide this time.

"Radek. Thank you. You have no idea how much this means to me. You've given me a ray of hope in the darkness, as incredibly cheesy as that sounds."

Zelenka blushed again, more obviously. It was almost fascinating; he'd never seen the man thrown off his guard like this before. "I couldn't stand to watch you going around in circles any more. It was painful. At least now you'll be making much bigger circles." He chuckled at Rodney's outraged expression. "I'm kidding! You've got a start."

"Yeah. I have a lot of thinking to do." And with that, McKay hunched over his food again as Zelenka got up and quietly left the table so as not to disturb him.


	2. Chapter 2

Sheppard watched Rodney and Zelenka, deep in conversation. He tried not to be jealous and failed. _If Rodney wants Radek, there’s not much you can do about it now,_ his brain helpfully advised him. _Zelenka’s had a crush on him for ages anyway – it’s not like that harebrained scheme with Parrish._ Or John’s own cock-driven reaction to Ronon, for that matter. For the umpteenth time since he turned Rodney away from his door (_a repentant, eager-to-please Rodney!,_ his dick reminded him, also not helping) he wondered if he was doing the right thing. Maybe it really didn’t matter so much whether Rodney grew up and learned to be considerate of anyone, let alone the person he was sleeping with. He was reminded again that he desperately, truly, madly, deeply wanted to fuck Ronon, and that he’d hoped to be able to finagle Rodney into a three-way at some point. He tried, unsuccessfully, not to get hard at the thought. No chance of that now, unless by some miracle Zelenka was giving Rodney some pointers on how not to be a total asshole. _I’m just saying, sleeping with Ronon would be a very, VERY bad idea_, his brain reiterated. _But hot as hell_, his cock chimed in again. _Rodney would never forgive you._ Anyway it was well known by the entire base that Dex was Caldwell’s sex-slave now. John shifted uncomfortably in his seat, trying to disguise the massive boner he was now sporting. _Jesus, you’re pathetic_, his brain declared in a smug tone. _Shut up – you sound like Rodney!_ his cock retaliated. He wondered if he could possibly “borrow” Ronon from Caldwell for a night – surely the Colonel had the tiniest bit of gratitude to Sheppard for hooking them up. Then he wondered how the hell he could keep it from getting back to Rodney. They were kind of on a break, though, weren’t they? So maybe it was sort of, somehow excusable. He was reminded of Ross from Friends (“WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!”) .

“Sheppard.”

He looked up to meet Dex’s golden, unblinking gaze. John raised an eyebrow, trying to bely the twitch in his pants at the sight of him.

“What’s up, Ronon?”

Ronon sat down without ceremony or even asking permission. John noticed that Zelenka had left the cafeteria, and Rodney sat alone, staring into space. He felt guilty at the sight, and looked away.

“I have been ordered to ask you something.”

_Whoa._ Also, hot. He had no doubt who the commanding officer was. “Ooookay. What might that be?”

“Would you come to Colonel Caldwell’s quarters this Friday at 8 pm?” Dex kept his expression impassive. Sheppard bit back the urge to laugh out loud.

“He’s not going to insult me, is he? ‘Cause I hate it when he does that.”

“I’m not allowed to say.”

_Ha!_ John was intrigued – not to mention horny as a bitch in heat. Whatever was going on, it sounded sexy. It didn’t take him long to make up his mind. “Oh, all right.”

“Good. I’ll tell him you’ll be there.” He gave Sheppard a look that made his loins melt, then got up and strode away.

* * * * *

  
7 am, Lab. Rodney was undercaffeinated and cranky, and appeared not to have slept very well.

“Goddamn it, I told you for the hundredth time that what you’re trying do is not going to work! The angle is all wrong, this x should be a y, and furthermore you’re reversing the wrong polarity! I mean, honestly. I don’t expect you people to be up to my level, but can we PLEASE try to get out of the Stone Age here!”

The offending lab techs scurried out of the way as Rodney came down on them like an irritable Canadian whirlwind. Zelenka gave him a look.

“Don’t look at me that way, Radek – they deserve it. These calculations are so wrong it’s as if they were using abacuses or something – it’s inexcusable!”

Rodney knew he was behaving worse than ever, but the more he tried to think of how the others might feel, the guiltier he felt, which made him act out defensively. It seemed Zelenka’s pep talk had inadvertantly had the opposite effect as he intended. And having bared his soul and confessed all his insecurities to his friend, he now felt foolish and resentful instead of humbled or considerate.

Zelenka watched him with some apprehension, as if he didn’t think things were going very well at all.

* * * * *

  
8 am, briefing room. Sheppard sat in the coveted cool spot, preempting Rodney. He hoped to at least get a scowl out of it, but… nothing.

Weir came in and sat in her usual spot. This would have been unremarkable except for the fact that Rodney had just been about to steal it. Foiled, he shot an evil glare around the room at no one in particular, and was forced to settle for the least desirable chair in front of the door.

“So, what do we got?” Sheppard feigned impatience.

“P-8964302.”

“Isn’t that the world we rejected a while back due to the, oh, I don’t know, enormous WILD ANIMALS that were running loose everywhere?” Rodney said, his tone dripping sarcasm. Sheppard stared at him, trying to get McKay to even glance in his direction. Rodney managed to look everywhere but at where he sat.

“It was,” Weir said patiently, “but things have changed since then. We have reason to believe that P-8964302 has not one but two ZPMs hidden on the planet’s surface.”

“Well, how nice for them. Do any people live there, or have they all been EATEN by the aforementioned WILD ANIMALS?”

Sheppard drawled lazily, “Oh, don’t be such a baby, McKay. I’m sure Ronon and Teyla can handle them.”

Rodney rolled his eyes so dramatically that John thought they might fall out of his head. “Easy for you to say, Scrawny – I’m sure you’d be too bony for their tastes. I, on the other hand, am probably quite delicious.” John snorted at this but said nothing.

Teyla and Elizabeth exchanged a glance that spoke volumes. (Ronon wasn’t at this meeting, having been deemed too new to the team to be part of the mission planning just yet.)

“The people of P-8964302 have been gone for over a hundred years, although ruins and other traces of their civilization remain. However the scrolls that hint of the existence of their ZPMs indicate that they are buried deep in the jungle.” Teyla’s tone was neutral as always.

“Oh, this just gets better and better,” Rodney bitched. “Why do you need me on this mission again? Can’t you just have Major McAncientGene and his merry band of supersoldiers hack through the impenetrable jungle – which is probably filled with spiders and other poisonous creatures, I might add – find the ZPMs and bring them back here where I can test them and assess their power levels in the safety and comfort of my air-conditioned lab?”

_Elizabeth_ rolled her eyes at that. Sheppard almost snickered out loud at the sight.

“Calm down, Dr. McKay,” she said in an unusually exasperated tone. “There may be some kind of traps or safeguards on them that require your brainpower to decipher.” To her credit, she managed to say ‘brainpower’ without a hint of sarcasm.

“Not feeling any better about this at all!” Rodney practically yelled. Sheppard gave him an industrial-strength smirk just for good measure. McKay still hadn’t looked at him once during the entire briefing.

“Enough, Rodney. Your objections have been noted, and you’re still going.”

“So when they find my remains next year in the jungle, you’ll have it on record that I said this was a very, VERY bad idea. Okay then, problem solved.” He heaved a theatrical sigh and marched out of the room.

“We’re meeting at the gate in one hour!” John yelled after his retreating back. Rodney waved a hand angrily in response.


	3. Chapter 3

9 am, Gate room. Rodney was red-faced and irascible. Ronon and Teyla were bright-eyed and bushy-tailed as usual.

“Okay, so when we come out of the Gate, we’re going to dive to the right and take whatever cover we can find. We may have company in the form of some wild animals-” Rodney snorted at that “-so be prepared for a fight, just in case.” Ronon looked pleased at the prospect of finally seeing some action.

The gate engineer - John could never seem to remember his name - dialed the gate. They lined up four abreast and ran through the gate…

…To land in a briar patch. Or the alien equivalent of one, anyway – a mass of prickly, clinging bushes that completely enveloped them. John cursed but froze. Rodney instantly began whining and flailing, making everything worse. Teyla and Ronon froze as well, either because they were following John’s example or because they had some common sense – not that it really mattered.

“Rodney, stop moving! You’re only getting yourself in deeper.”

“Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!” was the only response.

“Relax – at least the wild animals can’t get to us in here.”

“Small comfort _that_ is!” But Rodney had stopped moving. John began very, very slowly to pick the thorns out of one of Rodney’s arms. Teyla followed his example and began removing thorns from John's. Ronon watched them for about thirty seconds and then obviously decided he didn’t have the patience – with a mighty grunt, he tore himself free from the bush and leapt to clear ground, from which he leaned over and with his long arms was able to reach Teyla’s arm. Rather than picking away the thorns one by one, he grabbed the entire branch and ripped it loose. Teyla winced but got the picture; she did the same for her other arm, and then Ronon just grabbed her around the waist and lifted her bodily out of the patch. Then he turned to John to repeat the procedure; John keeping up a continual stream of curses throughout. Finally it was Rodney’s turn. He was further in, so Ronon had to wade into the patch to get to him. Rodney watched in trepidation, then squealed like a pig when he was pulled free. John tried not to smirk and mostly succeeded.

Finally they were all in the clear. Ronon quickly assessed the area and pointed to the north. “There.”

John looked. A large tree about 20 feet away provided good cover, flanked by some sheltering bushes that were close enough to hide them from any lurking predators, but not so close that they could be ambushed from them. So he led the way - since he was still nominally the leader, and that’s what leaders did - after shushing Rodney, who was still complaining as he picked out the thorns from his clothing. Once under the tree, John turned around and said to Rodney, “You didn’t even thank Ronon – if it weren’t for him, we’d still be in that pricker bush.”

Like a small child chastised by his mother, Rodney turned to Dex and sing-songed, “Thank you, Ronon.” Ronon smiled, rumbled, “No problem,” and patted Rodney on the back. Then he suddenly looked up and shoved Rodney to one side with all his might. Rodney went flying as an extremely large snake dropped out of the tree. Ronon caught it expertly and began wrestling it into submission while everyone else looked on in terror. Rodney was too shocked even to complain, though he did manage to get to his feet, wincing and holding his back like an 80-year-old man. Teyla was the only one with enough presence of mind to even try to help out; she watched closely for an opportunity, then grabbed the snake’s head and held it while Ronon broke its neck. It continued writhing for a few minutes before finally giving up the ghost. Ronon shrugged and said “Piece of cake.”

“What did I tell you? Snakes!” squeaked Rodney, as he made his way back to the others, pausing to look around with cartoonish exaggeration for other predators.

“Yeah _Rodney_, you were right, and once again Ronon saved your bacon! So can it and let me think,” John snapped. “Teyla, where’s our map?”

Wordlessly she handed it over. John spread it out and pointed to a red circle on the edge of a shaded area that obviously represented the jungle.

“Okay. We’re here. The first ZPM is supposed to be located right… here,” pointing to a small black X in the middle of the jungle.

“Not too bad. Just a few miles.. that way.” Ronon pointed.

“Hey, who’s the leader here?”

“Sorry, Sheppard.”

“Okay then.” And John led the way in the direction Ronon had indicated.

* * * * *  
Three hours and seven miles of hard trekking later, they were lost. Ronon had been hacking out a path for them to follow, but they couldn’t seem to find the burial spot of the ZPM.

“Hey, Rodney – don’t you have some kind of device to spot ZPMs remotely?”

“Yeah,” Rodney panted. (He’d been too out-of-breath from all the hiking to complain as much as usual.) “But either the foliage is too dense for me to get a reading, or the ZedPM doesn’t have enough power left for me to be able to see it.”

“Okay," said John. "Everyone stop right where you are, and start searching the ground. We’re looking for a stone marker of some kind. I’ll search the center of our location – you guys spread out from where you are right now.”

Silence fell as they searched, punctuated only by the snapping of branches, rustling of bushes and the occasional curse. Even Rodney was too busy looking to bitch.

It seemed like hours later (although it was probably only 20 or 30 minutes) when Rodney said excitedly, “Here! I think I found – aaaahhh!!!” his exclamation was cut off by a startled scream and loud cracking of branches.

“Shit! Rodney, where are you? Can you talk?”

Silence. Shep took off in his best guess at the right direction. After about fifty feet he saw Ronon and Teyla standing at the edge of a pit. _Uh-oh._ He skidded to a stop and threw himself down at the edge of the pit to peer over.

“Goddamn it Rodney, if you’re dead I’ll never talk to you again! And you can just forget about getting back together!”

Ronon and Teyla looked up in unison at that. At any other time it would have been funny, the way both their heads came up at the same time and the exact same angle. John didn’t even care that he’d just outed himself and Rodney to the rest of his team.

Rodney lay motionless at the bottom of the fairly deep pit. There weren’t any spikes at the bottom as John had feared, and Rodney didn’t _look_ horribly mangled, or twisted in any unnatural angles.

“Oh God, oh God, what are we going to do?!” John found himself panicking like... well, not like a leader. He took a deep breath and tried to pull himself together.

Ronon was pulling rope out of his pack methodically, not looking at anyone.

“It’s going to be all right,” Teyla said calmly, as if to a hysterical child, as she took the end and tied it securely around the nearest tree. 

Ronon looked at John. “You think I should go? Dunno if this rope can hold us both.”

“No, I’ll do it. I’m lighter than you. If I have to carry him…Well, we’ll think of something.”

“Okay.” Ronon took the other end of the rope and fashioned a rough harness out of it with a few well-placed knots. He held it out and John stepped into it. His knees were knocking, despite his best efforts, and he had to hold on to Ronon’s shoulders for balance.

_God, what if…_ He refused to think about the possibility that Rodney was... _He’s just unconscious, the fall must have knocked him out._

“Okay, here we go.” John went to the edge of the pit while Ronon took the rope. “I’ll let you down slowly, okay?”

The descent seemed to take forever. The sides of the pit were rough and broken tree roots stuck out of the walls. _Maybe he hit one on the way down…_ Horrible images ran through John's head.

Finally he reached bottom, and fell to his knees next to Rodney’s supine form. He checked for a pulse, not quite praying.


	4. Chapter 4

There was a long, terrible moment that seemed to go on forever, while Rodney was falling to his certain death in this infernal pit, when his whole life really did seem to flash before his eyes. He saw his lonely, brilliant childhood, the awkward horror of his teenage years, the excitement of various college experiments (both in and out of the classroom), his professional life before Atlantis (so many long nights in the lab), the missions, fear, danger and reluctant heroics of his time at Atlantis, the brief shining moments of happiness with Sheppard, and the last few weeks of depression and anger. The constant, he saw in a flash, was that he was alone. A few friends, here and there, but mostly alone. Yes, he had done a lot of work, most of it brilliant, but in terms of human interaction his life didn’t even add up to a hill of beans. He wished devoutly that he had made up with John before he died. To go out knowing that someone loved you – that would have been something. And then he hit the bottom and everything went black.

* * * * *

He dreamed himself Shiva, destroyer of worlds. He'd never believed any of that religious claptrap, but a girlfriend in college had been an Eastern religions major, and in the brief time they were together she talked a lot about Hinduism. He waved his hand to start Arcturus and a whole galaxy died this time - a thousand suns winked out like the stars they were, leaving only dust behind. Each one had worlds circling around it; he saw people living on them, huts and crude civilizations, turned into so many motes in his eye. He saw himself destroying his relationships over and over – before it always seemed that the other had turned away, but now he saw with such heartbreaking clarity the hundreds of little things he had done that blew away the worlds they were trying to build, the satellites of their planets locked in orbit around him, and how he spun them off into the vacuum of space, leaving him empty and alone, the center of his own universe. And then he saw how the tie between himself and John was stretched thin but not yet broken, how very fragile it was and how without tending it would break. In the dream he wept for the preciousness of it, almost lost. And then in the dream he realized that if he could dream, if he could cry, he must be alive. The realization was so profound that it woke him up.

Rodney opened his eyes. The first thing he saw was John, sleeping in a chair next to his bed. He held Rodney’s hand as he slept. Rodney’s entire body ached, and his cheeks were wet with tears, but he was smiling.

“I’m alive,” he said to himself.

John opened his eyes. The look of utter disbelief on his face was comical, so Rodney laughed.

“You _bastard_!” John was trying to be mad but couldn’t disguise his own happiness. “Don’t you _ever_ do that to me again – you _idiot_!”

“Well, that’ll teach you to take me on dangerous jungle missions!” Rodney was almost giggling.

John ignored that. “I really thought I’d lost you.”

“So did I. I mean, I thought I was dead, too.” John looked slightly askance at that. “I thought I was going to die without making up with you, and it… I couldn’t bear it.” He was almost crying again, just saying it.

“Me either – I was so upset when I thought I’d lost you, I was going to forgive you for everything, if only you’d wake up.” John’s eyes were bright with tears.

“But we shouldn’t just get back together as if nothing happened just because I almost died. Radek was right.” 

John’s look said _oookay_, but he made a ‘go on’ motion. 

“Not dealing with the consequences of my behavior merely allows me to continue it. One thing I realized during my near-death experience,” John stopped himself from laughing out loud just in time when he saw Rodney was completely serious, “is that I’ve always ruined the things I love. Every time I even came close to having a real relationship, I would do something to drive the other person away. Never consciously realized it, of course, just assumed that there was something wrong with _them_, not me. And-and-and the thing is, I know Arcturus was a thing like that. But I need to understand exactly what went wrong there. And I think you probably need to get it off your chest.”

“Wow. That shows a lot of insight into human interaction for you, Rodney. I really mean that, not being condescending. You’re right, I do need to get it off my chest, or it’s going to come back to haunt us later. So here it is in a nutshell: when Elizabeth said No to you about trying the test again, you made an end run around her – you used me and our relationship to get what you wanted. It wasn’t so much that you couldn’t pull it off after you swore up and down that you could – it was the calculated way you took advantage of my trust, of _us_, to get a second chance. And then you nearly killed us both because you couldn’t let go and admit you were wrong! It turned into an ego thing with you. I know you have the world’s biggest ego – it’s something that I often find endearing about you, God only knows why – but Arcturus wasn’t just another experiment, it was about proving you were the smartest, you were going to win the Nobel prize. And to that end you would have thrown everything away. _That’s_ why I was mad about Arcturus. And then when I thought about it, I realized that what happened there was a big warning sign to me that you didn’t have the respect for other people that needed to be there before I could be in a serious relationship with you.”

Rodney stared at him for a long minute and said nothing. John could _see_ the comprehension dawning in his eyes. He didn’t feel the usual satisfaction he would have in rendering Rodney speechless. Then Rodney nodded.

“Yeah… I can see why you would be mad about that. I didn’t set out to do that – not consciously at least – but that was a really shitty thing to do. God, I’m so _sorry_. It wasn’t worth it – I did want to prove something, I felt it was such a huge discovery – and yes, I did want the credit for figuring it out – but nothing is worth losing you. You.. you’re the best thing that’s happened to me in a long, long time. I wouldn’t trade you for 50 Nobel prizes.”

John smiled. Knowing how much Rodney valued his intellectual prowess, that was saying a lot – and who wouldn’t like to be valued above winning 50 Nobel prizes?

“I know I have a long way to go with this relationship stuff, and I’m sure I’ll make some more mistakes along the way. So please don’t shut me out – just tell me what I did so I can attempt to learn from them. I can’t read your mind, you know. I’m still only human.” Rodney held his gaze for another minute, his eyes liquid blue and full of emotion.

“I promise to call you on your shit. This is not a Get Out of Jail Free card. But you’re right that I need to keep the lines of communication open – that’s one part of being in a relationship that _I’m_ terrible at.”

“Ha! So I’m not the only one with issues!” Rodney looked triumphant. John gave him a look. He immediately went back to being contrite. “Sorry, got a little carried away there. Thank you for giving me another chance. I can’t promise I won’t screw it up again, so I won’t.”

“See, that’s another thing you learned from this – last time, you promised you’d always be right and never let me down again, which is impossible.”

“I see that now, and it’s good to know.” Rodney smiled. Then his gaze drifted down to linger on John’s mouth. He licked his lips almost unconsciously – it was obvious that he wanted to kiss John but didn’t quite dare. John found this very cute. He moved closer and reached out his hand to play with Rodney’s hair. Rodney looked so happy at this that it was quite irresistible. John moved in for the kiss but kept his eyes open. They locked gazes intensely until the very last second. It was sweet and gentle, and they both melted beneath it. Then Rodney went to put his arms around John but was brought up short by a sharp pain in his right arm.

“Ow! What the hell?”

“Oh – you broke your arm. Also two ribs. You were unconscious for 48 hours.” John’s smile belied the look in his eyes.

Rodney looked uncharacteristically solemn for a moment. Then he smiled and said, almost shyly, “It was worth it, to get you back.”

John had to kiss him again for that before replying, “Don’t you go throwing yourself off any cliffs the next time we have a fight!”

* * * * *

  
**Epilogue**

John got to take Rodney home that night – Beckett released him to the tender care of his nursemaid. The next day was Friday, and he ran into Ronon in the cafeteria.

Ronon smiled and said, “Uh, so you guys are back together?”

Startled, John said, “Yeah.” No point in denying it now.

“That’s good. I’ll tell the Colonel you won’t be coming by tonight, then.”

John laughed out loud at that. “Tell you what, I’ll take a rain check on that one. Maybe he’ll let us borrow you sometime.”

Ronon looked simultaneously shocked and pleased. “I know _I_’d like that.”

John smiled to himself as he turned away. Life was good.


End file.
